The Blog of Skandar Keynes: March 2010

Hatter. Advantages: Owns a business that trades small bottles of human emotions. Disadvantages: Not mad. Age: unknown. Race: Presumably human. Weapons: lots of potions made of human emotions.

Mad Hatter. Advantages: He's mad; does a mean Futterwhack. Disadvantages: Susceptible to Hatter's potions. Age: Unknown. Race: Presumably human. Weapons: his wit and madness

Sam paused behind the green bush, watching the strange scene with curiosity. There was a table not far away, with a dingy table cloth and set with cracked tea cups and mouldy scones. She pursed her lips, black eyes narrowing. Where was he…?
There was the March Hare, his creepy bulging eyes darting around nervously as he sipped at his tea, the teacup clattering against the saucer as the Hare’s paw shook. The Dormouse was prancing along the table, pausing occasionally to inspect a particle of food, hoping it was edible. The Cheshire Cat was lounging in a nearby tree, his huge blue-green eyes trained on Sam behind the bush and grinning widely. Sam knew he knew she was there.
But where was the Hatter?
Sam had come to Underland specifically to find him. She needed to bring him back to participate in a bunny fight that her friend Skandar was hosting. She had nominated him and the other Hatter, Andrew Lee Potts, to compete in the match.
“So…” the first Hatter - Andrew Lee Potts - said beside Sam, “Where is he?”
Sam frowned, looking harder. “I don’t know. How should I know?”
Hatter shrugged. “Well, I thought you would know, since you came here to bring him back. I mean, it would only make logical sense that you knew, because if you didn’t know, then there would be no point in coming, and you don’t know, so really, I guess there’s no point in us-”
“Andrew!” Sam hissed, annoyed. “Quiet! Please!”
Hatter rolled his eyes, but he adopted a quieter voice. “I wish you would stop calling me that,” he said grumpily. “My name is not Andrew!”
“Shh!” Sam said, waving her hand at him.
“But-”
“Shh!”
“But-”
“Andrew!”
“That’s not-”
“Hatter! Please, shut up!”
“Fine…” he sighed, giving up.
Sam shook her head in annoyance, and then said to the Hatter, “Okay, I’m going to go ask the March Hare and the Dormouse where the other Hatter is. Stay here; I don’t want to have to try to find you again!” Hatter had been particularly difficult for Sam to find, and she would not be happy if she had to do it again.
Hatter gave a massive sigh. “Fine…” he agreed reluctantly.
Sam glared at him, and then darted out of the bush and down to the table.
The March Hare shrieked at the sight of her and instantly threw his teacup at her, narrowly missing her head. Sam ducked, black eyes wide.
“You’re late for tea!” the March Hare declared angrily, and then he and the Dormouse began cackling wildly at some unknown joke.
“Yeah, great, sorry,” Sam said impatiently. “Listen, do either of you know where the Hatter is?”
“Which Hatter are we talking about here?” she heard a suave voice say behind her, and she turned to see the Cheshire Cat’s head floating along behind her, and a huge grin on his face.
Sam put her hands on her hips. “The one that lives here; the one that you know. Johnny Depp. I already have Andrew. Do you know-”
“Johnny Depp?” Chess asked, titling his big head to the side. “What is a Johnny Depp?”
“It’s not a thing; it’s a person!” Sam said with annoyance. “The Hatter! Where is he?”
“Oh, my goodness, what’s this?”
Sam whirled when she heard his voice, excitement in her black eyes. At last! Johnny Depp was her favourite actor of all time - along with Andrew Lee Potts - and she had so been looking forward to seeing both of them for the bunny fights.
The Hatter - this one Johnny Depp - looked down at her carefully, his big, green eyes unreadable. He looked slightly puzzled, as if he knew who she was, but couldn’t put a name to her face.
He bent down so that they were face-to-face. Sam stood stock-still, hardly daring to breathe. She was inches away from Johnny Depp himself! Of course, he didn’t know he was Johnny Depp, but…
The Hatter looked at her long and hard, and then beckoned her closer with a ringed finger. He whispered, “Have you any idea how a raven is like a writing desk?”
Sam grinned.

“So…I’m here to fight…” He looked at Hatter, who was standing silently a few feet away, looking around with interest at their surrounding, which were marked out for a fight. The other Hatter - Johnny Depp - was standing beside Sam, who was quivery with excitement. This was so cool! She resisted the urge to do an evil laugh.
“…Him?” the Hatter finished, looking at Hatter with uncertainty.
Sam nodded. “Uh-huh,” she agreed. “See, all you have to do is fight until somebody surrenders. You don’t have to kill him or anything.”
The Hatter straightened and frowned over Sam’s head at the other Hatter - Andrew Lee Potts. “Why is he dressed as a Hatter too?”
Sam explained, “See, there’s another Underland - only it’s called Wonderland - and another Alice and he’s the other Hatter in that Wonderland. Only, his name is actually…Hatter. Just saying, though, I like your Wonderland better.” She grinned at the Hatter, who looked deeply shocked.
“Another Underland, you say? And called Wonderland? Another Alice and another Hatter…how strange.” He cocked his head, staring at the other Hatter. “How very…strange…”
He looked down in surprise as a brunette girl came. She smiled at the two Hatters, standing on either side of Sam and introduced herself: “Hello, Hatters. My name is Skandar. I’m sure you must be wondering why you’re here, and I understand. You’re going to be fighting against each other - not to kill, you must understand - until someone surrenders. Whoever wins will be matched against the winner of the next round, so on and so forth, until there’s a winner - the Ultimate Bunny.”
Hatter raised his hand, interrupting Skandar. “Yes?” she asked.
He looked at her tentatively. “I’m sorry; did you say…“the Ultimate Bunny’, miss?”
“Yes, I did…” Skandar answered.
He looked confused. “You mean, we’re going to be fighting to become…a rabbit?”
Sam laughed. “No, of course not! Though that’d be cool…That’s just the title you’ll be given if you win.”
Hatter frowned, still looking baffled. The other Hatter - Johnny Depp - however, raised his hand and commented, “I understand perfectly, you know, being mad and all. It’s like my friend the March Hare. Did you know he once aspired to be an earthworm? And that was before he was mad!” With that the Hatter burst into laughter, which set Sam laughing too.
“And then…” Johnny Depp went on, “After he went mad, he said, ‘Well, Hatter, I don’t aspire to be an earthworm anymore. Now,’ he said, ‘I want to be the bird that eats the earthworm!” This made the Hatter giggle even more. But Hatter just stared at the mad Hatter and wished he could find a way to make the odd man be quiet. This gave him an idea.
He raised his hand to ask another question. “Can we use…weapons?”
“Like what?”
“Like…” Hatter paused, and then opened his brown coat, revealing lots of potion bottles inside, of all different colours and labelled with different emotions.
“What’s that?” Skandar asked.
“Human emotions,” Hatter answered, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.
Skandar looked surprised, but she answered, “Well, yeah, I guess. Just nothing too…damaging, okay?”
Hatter nodded, thoughts whirling in his mind.
“Ooh!” the Hatter interrupted. “Do you have anything that makes one laugh? Because I dearly love to laugh before a fight! It heightens your senses and makes it so much more fun!” He waited expectantly for Hatter to answer, but Skandar cut him off: “O….kay…” she said. “Anyway, rules!”
“Ooh, I do love rules!” the Johnny Depp Hatter exclaimed, looking excited. “They do make things so much more fun! Do you know why? Because you can break them!” Sam laughed and offered her hand for a high-five, but the Hatter just looked at it. He obviously didn’t know what to do.
“Hit it,” Sam encouraged.
Looking confused, the Hatter did, and then he grinned. “That’s fun! Let’s do it again!”
Skandar rolled her eyes. “Rules, Hatters!”
“Oh, yes, right,” the Johnny Depp Hatter said, looking chastised.
“Wait,” said Hatter. “Actually, I do have a potion that will make you laugh. Would you like it?”
The mad Hatter smiled excitedly. “Ooh yes, I would!”
Hatter carefully selected a teeny-tiny bottle, filled with the emotion of giddiness. He hoped it would make the mad Hatter a little…tipsy and less capable of fighting.
The Hatter took the bottle gratefully and downed it, even though there were only a few drops in it. Immediately, his green eyes sparkled and he let out an odd, flighty chuckle. “Oh, I like that!” he said.
Skandar did a facepalm and then carefully told the two Hatters the rules of the fight. And then, with good luck wishes from Sam, the two stepped into the sparring square, ready to fight and win.
They circled each other for a moment, each sizing the other up. Hatter looked cocky and confident, his hand on a bottle in his pocket, and the Hatter looked excited, bright green eyes glowing in his pale face. As they prepared to begin fighting, Johnny Depp said to Hatter, “Son, I have just one question for you.” He held up a finger from his pocket, and Hatter was startled to see a mouse clinging desperately to it. The other Hatter noticed too and gave an embarrassed chuckle. “Ooh,” he said, “How’d that get there?” He turned and very quickly shooed the mouse away. It ran squeaking out of the ring.
The Mad Hatter straightened, holding up his one, mouse-free finger and narrowed his eyes mysteriously at Hatter, asking, “Son…how is a raven like a writing desk?”
Hatter raised his eyebrows and very imperceptibly uncorked the bottle in his pocket. He very swiftly downed it himself, wincing as the taste of adrenaline hit his mouth.
The mad Hatter began prancing around the ring, singing nonsense songs and green eyes alight with giddiness.
Hatter shuddered as his heartbeat began to accelerate and the blood began pumping harder in his veins. He pulled out his small dagger - he didn’t want to use his sword on the poor fellow - and said, “Well? Are we going to fight or not?”
The mad Hatter paused in his steps, cocking his head at Hatter. “You know,” he said. “This day is positively too beautiful to spend fighting. And besides, I simply couldn’t bear to ruin my hat; I’ve had it practically forever.”
Hatter suddenly grinned and threw his dagger, catching the Hatter’s hat and making it fly of the mad man’s head. The Hatter ducked instinctively, and then slowly stood back up, staring with wide eyes at Hatter. Then he started giggling.
Hatter sighed. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him that after all, he thought.
The mad Hatter suddenly started dancing, the strangest sight Hatter had ever seen. He twisted and contorted in all sorts of impossible ways, and his head even spun around in a 360 turn. Hatter just blinked, stunned to silence. This was definitely not going the way he had planned. And the adrenaline in his veins was wearing off already, and they hadn’t even begun fighting!
Soon it was all gone, leaving a normal Hatter and a very un-normal, giddy, dancing mad Hatter.

Who will win? Will Hatter prevail using his potions? Or will the mad Hatter - being mad - find some way to overcome the effects and win? You decide...as soon as I get the poll up. ;)

Ah. I had an extremely busy Spring Break, which consisted of running across 3 bridges, almost drowning in a very cold creek, going squirrel hunting, seeing Percy Jackson again, having a strange white dog follow me and my brother around...everywhere..., and finally, coordinating the Ultimate Bunny cage fights. So let me tell you about my Spring Break. (I have a picture of me squirrel hunting and I shall put it up when my computer decides to let me.)
Sunday: Went to church, left as soon as the service was over, drove for an hour to Salado, got dropped off at McDonald's, picked up by grandparents, and went to the Sherwood Forest Faire (which is a medieval-type fair). Lots of people there wearing costumes that didn't need to be wearing what they were wearing, if you know what I mean...Bought a pure silver medallion that was hand-pressed and customised (I shall show you this on Monday). Watched some very funny medieval improvisation involving Curious George and Tinkerbell. (Don't ask...) Talked with a woman faking an Irish accent outside an armoury shop. Saw lots of horses and children wearing fairy wings. Witnessed a man in bright yellow tights giving sword lessons to little children (that was...strange, to say the least.) Came home and went to bed.
Monday: Brother woke me up at 8 and we ran from grandparents' home in Mill Creek down to Brookshire's Grocery (approximately a mile) and I bought a Prince Caspian picture book. (Haha, w-ow, me, w-ow...) Went to the library and got four movies on g-parents' card (Left Behind 2, Rendition, the Good Shepherd, and the Good Wife, 3 of which were War on Terror movies Brother wanted) Watched Left Behind 2 and Rendition.
Tuesday: It rained. Went squirrel hunting with Brother. Shot 4 squirrels, one of which I took a picture with and named Steve. Jestar is familiar with Steve. ;)
Wednesday: Brother and I ran to Brookshire's again and then walked around Salado for the next two hours, including 3 bridges (with cars on them). Brother also wanted to try to swim the six-foot, rushing, COLD creek. Not one of his better ideas. I'll leave you to imagine how this came out. Also took pictures for Brother's graduation at the creek and got stalked by a strange, fluffy, white dog.
Thursday: Came to other grandparents' house across the highway and worked on the Ultimate Bunny competitors and edited on book. Went to see Percy Jackson again with mom, and no, Invisi, I did NOT get a large Coke again. ;)
Friday: I wrote what I did on Spring Break on my blog.

Farewell! I shalt see you all on Monday! :D And the picture of me and Steve is coming soon!